Sexual Abuse, Assault, and Rape Awareness
Dear Abuser -Joni Poole
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To read Joni Poole's Story click Here
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To read Joni Poole's Story click Here
To read Joni Poole's Poems click Here
Dear Abuser,
I am writing this letter because I want you to know the HELL you have put me through. I want you to get a glimpse of the torment I have undergone to put you behind bars where you belong. I'll begin with the most degrading, horrible situation you put me in. It all began when you raped me on August 22, 2007. The day my life began to fall apart. The day you took what I could never get back. The day you took my innocence, my livelihood, my childhood. Do you remember that day? I sure do.
The torment didn't end with the rape. I had to first tell my parents what you did. Then I had to listen to other family members telling me to not go to the police and just let the men in the family deal with you. I really made them mad when I didn't listen to them and I reported the crime to the Appling County Sheriff's Office. At the hospital I had to undergo yet another degrading, embarrassing experience. I had to sit in a small room with strangers coming in to examine me. It seemed like trauma after trauma after trauma.
A few days after it happened, I had to hear that charges were not going to be brought against you because I didn't appear upset enough during my police interview at the hospital. By the time the police finally interviewed me that night, I had already cried so much that the doctors had given me 2 sedatives to calm me down and stop my shaking. So to the male police officer that took my statement, I guess I was a little too calm in his opinion. Infuriated, my father and I, had to file for a warrant ourselves to attempt to receive justice. We filed for a warrant and the first court date arrived. I then had to sit in the same room with you and got to hear that the hearing would be postponed.This frustrating tactic of yours happened several times. When it was finally time to tell my story in Magistrate Court, I was told not to go into detail by my attorney. He said that opportunity would come during the trial. As I was told, I gave the account with as few details as possible. Although DNA proved it was you, I got to hear a Magistrate Judge tell me that he saw no probable cause for an arrest warrant. I also was told then by my attorney I needed to go to a counselor so I could learn how to express and deal with my emotions. Some people seemed to believe that since I wasn't screaming and flailing around 24/7, it must not have happened. They didn't know that I was dying inside and fighting to keep my emotions contained. I was so full of anger and fear at the same time. I felt paranoid, scared, nervous, and was having nightmares almost every night. Thanks for that roller coaster ride of emotions...what a blast.
I also got to experience the wonderful affects of the Plan B pill. Due to the fact that you could have gotten me pregnant, the doctor at the hospital prescribed me Plan B, a pill to chemically induce a miscarriage. I got to experience that tormenting pain for over a month, while I layed in bed in agony. It was absolutely horrible.
Depressed more than ever, I was asked to come to my sister's house for a family talk. I was told I was going to start attending counseling so I could deal with my emotions. Angry at them for suggesting it, I got in my car, slammed the door in my mother's and sister's face, and told them to get away from me. I told them there was no way I was going to counseling, because I didn't need it. Little did I know.... I also got to live in hell everyday afterwards, I hope you know. At the time you decided to ruin my life, I was living with my grandparents. Even though they loved me, I felt like I could not talk to them about what had happened to me. It was too upseting for them. They didn't want to hear it. As you sit in prison, I hope you get to experience how it is to be alone in the world with no one to talk to.
I finally started seeing a counselor, but I never really connected with her. I missed about 30 days the first semester of my Junior year. So afraid someone would find out why I was missing so many school days, I lied to everyone and told them I was at doctors appointments. Then because I was out so much, I got to answer many questions from people wanting to know if I was going to the doctor because I was pregnant. I would tell them no, but due to my absences they really didn't believe me. They knew something serious was going on with me. I was never a student that was absent much and this was very out of character for me. Then I was sent to another counselor. She was sick a few times, forgot me others, then she turned me over to another person. I began attending counseling regularly. Then I was told by those I lived with, who really weren't very supportive, that a 1 hour session was too long. They would tell me that I needed to be back home 30 minutes from the time I left the house, because I wasn't crazy and I didn't need counseling. They didn't understand.
I continued receiving counseling and began taking medicines for my uncontrollable anger and anxiety. I couldn't walk outside alone, walk upstairs alone, or be around men without having a panic attack. I was told by some people that I was just overreacting and there was nothing wrong with me. While others made me feel that I was going insane. Luckily, I had some very supportive close family members that were super supportive of me and tried to help me every way they could.
Many more court dates came and went. My Junior year was suddenly over and the only memories I have of it was not being there due to court dates and counseling appointments. Great, wonderful memories I'll tell you. Getting to be in a small room with you, while having panic attacks and fearing for my life, instead of enjoying my last few years at high school. Thanks a lot.
My Senior Year began and court was still not over. I hated waking up every morning. There were times I wanted to commit suicide to get away from everything. Then I realized if I killed myself, you would get away with it and possibly go on to hurt someone else. Many nights I could not sleep. You were not in jail, so I had to constantly look over my shoulder. You'll never know the uncontrollable fear I felt when I actually did see you at the gas station, when you were at the football game where I was working, or while you were following me, my mother, and my sister in Wal-mart. The thought of you would instantly make me nauseated on a daily basis.
Trial eventually began and was put off. Then it began again and was put off. Finally a date was set, but there was a good chance it would be put off again. However, the date was moved up and a date was set for me to testify. You could have plead out and received a very light slap on the wrist and been free to go in less than 1 year. This was not good enough for you though. You refused plea bargain after plea bargain. I had to sit on the stand as your attorney attempted to break me down every way possible. I then got to hear and see him point me out to the jury as he told them what a liar I was. My feelings and tears didn't matter to you. You could have cared less about me. I was a family member of yours, I trusted you, I even looked up to you at one point in time. All that was shattered. You never cared about anyone but yourself. You betrayed me in every way possible. I can never forgive you for what you have done to me and I never will. The verdict was read and you were found guilty. You hung your head and cried your little tears. Those few tears will never equal the amount of the tears I have cried. I feel no, and I repeat, NO sympathy for you what-so-ever.
The judge made her decision and you're going to prison for 25 years, not the one year you could have plead out to if you had took your lawyer's advice. After prison, you have life-time probation and you must register as a Sex Offender. Although the title of Sex Offender will follow you to your death, it will never equal to what I have experienced in my life. You will spend the next 25 years of your life eating, sleeping, and looking at the walls of a small cell. I hope you enjoy every single second of gray that you see. Every time you feel miserable and wish you were free, I want you to think of me, what you did, and how I shall forever be affected. Maybe you will get to experience what hell on earth is, like I have. I want you to think about what you will miss in the next 25 years. You are 27 now. You will get out of prison when you are 52 years old. Just think. You will miss your nieces and nephews growing up, quality time with your aging parents, quality time with your 2 siblings, a relationship, possibly kids of your own, work, entertainment, restaurants, your own house, a vehicle, sports games... basically you are going to miss your whole life. After prison, your life will not be much different. You will never be allowed to posses a firearm, alcohol, be around children under 18, or marry someone with children under 18. You will have many new rules and guidelines to follow. If you break them, it's back to prison for you. All of this because you decided to rape me one night and told me I better not say anything. You were dumber than I thought.
I thought you might like an update on how I am doing as of now. Currently, I am happy and content. I created the organization S.A.A.R.A. (Sexual Abuse, Assault, and Rape Awareness). I have a extremely compassionate, encouraging support system. I moved away from my old home. I now live with people who encourage me to shoot for the stars each and everyday. I have wonderful friends who accept me for me. I am able to help others each and everyday through S.A.A.R.A. Although my life is somewhat perfect, it still has flaws and lingering affects from the trauma. I am still afraid of the dark. I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks when I see people who resemble you. I have a hard time trusting those around me. I still have anxiety issues. I still have trouble controlling my anger. I have flashbacks on almost a daily basis. I also deal with self-esteem issues and being comfortable in my own skin. I often re-live the attack. I am now more aware of my surroundings. Although, at times I may be paranoid, it is how I protect myself and those around me. You shattered my perfect world. Since then, I have found myself and know what I want to become. However, do not expect me to forgive you for what you did. I will never forgive you nor will I ever feel any sympathy for you. If it was left up to me, your punishment would be a lot worse. Don't expect my forgiveness, if you do you shall be disappointed, because you will NEVER receive it.
I spoke out and guess what...It's hurting you a lot more now than it is hurting me. Due to your ignorant choices, you have no life, no future, and you shall forever be told what to do and where to go. You will be labeled everywhere you go and people will always look down on you. Doesn't it all sound so fun, once I put it into perspective for you??? I hope you enjoy every single minute of your punishment, because hell on earth for LIFE is a long, long time. Get used to it. It's going to be a while. Sorry if I seem not to care about you. I do, I care...hope...that you are miserable for the rest of your life.
P.S. -After all these months, I have never forgotten what you did, nor have I forgotten what you put me through.
P.S.2. -Have fun in prison for the next 25 years. Say HI to the walls for me.
-Joni Poole